The hurt I hold inside me

Two things happened today. A friend posted a YouTube video of Bebo singing "Cover Me" and I received a thank you note from my grandson Kevin for the two books I sent him for his eighth birthday.

A tear was shed for the thank you note. His mother won't let me see my grandson ... (she won't answer why) only twice since his daddy passed away in 2006. Sometimes no thank you notes for little cards with money or presents at Christmas and birthdays....so today was wonderful in that I could see his printing and know I am still called "MiMi".

It was after that that I heard the Bebo Song Cover Me and really liked it so I listened to many more and then heard "I will Lift My Eyes". What a wonderful song!

When it came to the line: The healer of the hurt I hold inside me, it got me thinking. Thinking about the hurt I do have about the situation. I can forgive her and do pray for her, but how does that hurt heal without me actually getting to be with my grandson...it seems a permanent tear to me. Of course God and I have talked about this many times. I manage to get through the day obviously, but it's there,always there. I think it hurts more because his own daddy is not in his life and feel that I could give him so much for that vacant spot...never to fill that for him, but to help him on the way. God has not allowed this for whatever reason.

Everyone has hurts; I am no different. Big hurts, little hurts...These trials and tribulations teach us great wisdom and knowledge as we surrender our egos and pride. God always has a better plan than any we can dream for ourselves!! Some things have to be removed from our lives in order to fulfill His intention for us.

So how do we move through and not let those hurts affect us negatively? The Enemy would have us ruminate and ponder and drive ourselves nuts until we lose all our peace and any effectiveness we might ever have toward serving God and loving others.

Conversely, Jesus tells us to forgive our enemies (small cap), pray, think on things that are lovely and pure, move outside ourselves and focus on the purpose and meaning to why we are here...serving others as unto the Lord, sharing the hope in Him who is able to keep us from falling and to present us before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy! Jude 1:24

Forgiveness isn't always 'easy', far from it, but God always has a better way...and when we forgive it is we who are set free. It's not like the other person cares much anyway! God's ways are better .. we surrender to Him and He takes that and turns it to our benefit. How blessed to be set free from the repurcutions of unforgiveness such as bitterness. Have you ever been around a truly bitter person? It isn't good, nice or fun. They usually end up very much alone in terms of great friendships and have few acquaintances as well.

I want to live life to the fullest being on the path God has set for me. I want to enjoy His presence in my life. I don't want to be held back by character qualities that don't let me DANCE the life the Lord gives me each and every day.

I'm thinking one way to move through this hurt I have held inside me is to help the 8 year old sunday school class or volunteer at the 4th grade grammer school in some capacity...or just find an eight-year-old who needs a pal. God will bring it to me. I know this because as I pondered all of this the Holy Spirit placed the thoughts into my mind.

YouTube - I Will Lift My Eyes - Bebo Norman (with lyrics)

I will lift my eyes to the One whose throne is in heaven. Psalm 123:1

The LORD heard my prayer for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer. Psalm 6:9

I pray you let the Holy Spirit move in your life today

and heal you free from any hurt you have in you.

Blessings

Wannabe!

I'm a wannabe..no, not a wallaby!!!

Thinkin' that if I really wanna be a writer, I should put my pen to paper. If I wanna be an artist, I should begin to draw.

Wonderin' why I don't.

Hopin' I will ... and soon.

Words to Live By - Jeff Cadle

Today would have been Jeff's 44th birthday. I'm posting something I found in his computer shortly before he passed away.

A friend on Facebook sent it to me as a reminder...sweet of you Jennie. Thanks.

WORDS TO LIVE BY

My goal is to find the middle road - in work, home and social life.

I will pay attention to my level of stress and strive to take deep breaths and center myself.


I will develop the ability to recover from setbacks and validate my self-worthin areas of true relaxation.

I will continue to notice when I am disappearing and remind myself of thecomforts of my home, family and friends.

I will balance my needs for alone time and time with others.

Live your dreams.

Take time to smell the flowers.

Remember you are only visiting.

Be good to your fellow humans (and animals too).

Be there for your family and friends.Be above pettiness.Live below your means.

Be prepared for the inevitable rainy day.

No excuses! Take responsibility for your own life.

Be honest and loyal.

Don't take everything so seriously (especially yourself)

Have some fun!

Grow things!

Enjoy nature and be aware of the simple pleasures of life.

There is more to life than success, work and money.

There are many more important non-material considerations.

Use your own noggin.

Trust your instincts.

Think before you act.

A guilty conscience is not worth the effort. Just don't do it!

You reap what you sow, but sometimes your crops will die.

Try to find the good in people and understand the bad.

Look upon everyone you meet as a holy person (for they are).

For every rule there exists a valid exception. Use rules properly. Many rules are stupid.

Plow a field.

-J. Cadle

I have papers he wrote prayers to the Lord upon as well...he was a tender man who lived the above. But those are sacred and I'll just keep those to myself. The originals are in a box for his son when he is old enough to need them.

(After I saved this I checked and noticed on my blog page the SNIPPET for the day...love it.)
He was a delight!!

Tears of Transition

And God shall wipe away all tears of their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain:

for the former things are passed away.
Revelation 21:4

That's Niagara Falls in the photo...a bucketload of water to be sure. If broken down into teardrops that have spilled from my eyes over the past several years, I'm pretty sure I could match it head on in volume.

Dealing with family issues, a divorce, caregiving for my son with MS to his death in June of 2006, financial difficulties unlike any others in my life, remodeling his home and selling it just last month has brought an incredible amount of stress to the forefront. I admit it has been difficult, but share again with you all the incredible depth of comfort I have received from Jesus in the process. He IS my strength when I am weak. (And, oh am I weak). He IS my Comforter. He IS my all in all.

You keep track of all my sorrows.You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

Isn't that an incredible verse!!!! Our God cares for us in ways we cannot even fathom. He is so far out of any box we can try to put around him with our limited minds. Yet, He has our backs! What a relief. What a joy. I have had many tears leaving Jeff's home with all our memories made there with his little son,Kevin. Memories of Jeff in his backyard that he took so much pleasure in...especially his downtime resting in his hammock. Memories of struggles trying to find our way in this disease together. Memories of his brave and humorous approach to life. Our conversations were full of deep meaning and MUCH laughter....all very tender to me right now. I take these with me, my great treasures ... memories of my son and my time with him in his last years.

Sassy Lass has been in transition for quite some time. I've landed in Hayden Lake ID from Northern California now. I'll be staying with my brother and his family for awhile and it is so gracious of them to let me do so. It's so beautiful here...I can't believe I left here seven-and-a-half years ago to go take care of Jeff. Full circle!

None of us knows what lies ahead...I suppose we could really say that we are all in transition. We may make our plans and try to pave the way, but God has gone before us and He will have His way. May His will be done in my life as I continue to transition with Him. I am so grateful for His presence within me.

--oOo--

True Worth

From PSALMS NOW...Brandt/Corita

Man's struggle for significance

apart from God's will and purpose is in vain.

Man builds homes and institutions,

he acquires property and possessions;

he crowds the cities with the clutter

of questionable achievements;

he fills the better part of every day

with self-centered activities;

he pushes and prods in an anxiety-ridden quest

for some ephemeral treasure;

he strives incessantly to get to the top.

And all the while worth and value are within him

or very close to him.

They are precious gifts of God

that come in some measure to all men.

There are visible evidences of a man's worth;

the children he begets,

the beloved mate that brings him joy,

the ability to supply his own and

his family's needs through is daily labors.

But even beyond this and long before this,

a man's true worth was established

by God Himself.

Psalms 127-128

Postcard Friendship Friday

Happy Easter Everyone!

For God so loved the world, that He sent his one and only

Son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not perish

but have everlasting life!

HE IS RISEN!

Cpaphil Vintage Postcards

Marie hosts Friendship Friday

You'll enjoy her posting today!

Shoes...and the death of four sons.

I have been going to write this particular blog all week, but never could find the words. Tonight I think the words have found me. Bear with me as I struggle to dovetail my love of men's shoes and the death of four sons.


I have a thing about men's shoes. It's my father's fault. When teaching me the fine art of finding a good man he said that you must first look at their fingernails to make sure they are clean and then look at their shoes. You can tell a lot about a person if you observe their shoes. Are they shined? Do they have run down heels or are they perfect? Are they in good taste, and all that. So from then on I was stuck always observing men's shoes..and fingernails. You know how people in elevators always look down...I was busy checking out the men's shoes!


I went to a memorial this past week for a young father of three children. I sat with my friends, Norma and Duane who lost their son Troy four years ago to cancer, leaving behind two daughters. Our son Jeff died three years ago this June, leaving one son. Two rows behind us sat Todd and Trina who lost their college age son Matthew two years ago. Now in the front row last Saturday sat Mr. & Mrs. Nunes, who lost their son, John, to leukemia just a week prior. All of these sons died between the ages of 19 and 49. We parents are left to deal with the grief and lean heavily upon Jesus to help us through the journey.




We get these darling little babies without shoes.So precious!!!Please note Jeff's no-frills bedding!! Again, quite different from today's trendy-themed-nurseries...but that's another blog!



It didn't seem like long before they were ready to walk outside and need their first pair of good shoes. This used to be HUGE in my era (eons ago).. they have to be GOOD sturdy, hard-soled shoes. Often their grandmothers bought them because they were pretty expensive. We suffered many an injury when stomped on accidentally by our sons in these hard soled shoes too!!






Then it was time for a pair of tennis shoes for casual wear.Cute, arent they! I tell you the truth, I don't know that I was prepared to be a mother at age 22. In my day you got married and had some children. There wasn't much more thought about it either. So at age 22 Jeff entered my life. He was a fussy little guy who kept me on the move with his bad moods and antics from the get go! One night when he was over a year old, I was picking up the living room. He finally had gone to sleep. His little pair of tennis shoes similar to the ones above were sitting on the coffee table.



They gave me pause (probably the first pause I had in regard to having a child). I picked up the shoes and held them in my hand just thinking about how cute they were, the cutiepie who wore them and I was overcome with emotion as to the responsibility I had now rearing this boy of mine. Still today when I see a little pair of tennis shoes I remember that night. My eyes were opened along with my mind and my heart all at the same time just because of one tiny pair of tennis shoes.



In no time at all the boys wanted guns, cowboy hats and cowboy boots!



After that, shoewear stayed about the same for many years...tennis shoes. Who doesn't remember their first pair of nice Nikes!



When you consider it, men really do need a lot of pairs of shoes.


It was a shock to me as a mother to find out that when my son started playing sports, a different pair of shoes was needed for each sport. His father explained to me that not just any shoe would do. They had to be sport specific!!! I was miffed about the cost for so many pairs of shoes for one young man! First he played baseball...

then basketball


then golf

and tennis (WENT THROUGH MANY PAIRS OF REAL TENNIS SHOES ON THAT SPORT)!!!!!





First dress loafer...
beach wear

...job interview...and getting married shoes...

and back to bare feet whenever possible!!

-ooOoo-

We are all created by God as unique human beings

so no one can really fill the shoes of these men for their families.

Each had faith in Jesus and are with Him today for all eternity.

It is good to remember and thank God

for His Word which reminds us in Psalm 68:5 that

God is a Father to the Fatherless.

I take great comfort in that for the children of our sons.

May they wear their shoes in the same humble ways of their

own fathers, caring for others along the way and

living active and meaningful lives.

I was no more prepared to lose my son when he was 41 as I was to welcome him when I was 22.

I thank God for leaving the Comforter. I know Him well.

Hug your children tightly.

--ooOoo-